Perspective

Everything can change depending on where we're viewing it from, right?  My dear girl, you are still gaining distance vision in these early months, and your perspective is almost always from someone's arms.  You are dearly loved, little one.  One month ago today we received the news that you have Cystic Fibrosis.  It was the most devastating day of my life.  The reality of that day has continued to come in waves; like the sea that never stops but almost always lands on the shore and then recedes only to return again and again.  I love the ocean, Kate.  You'll always know that and how it calms me, makes me rejoice in God's beautiful hand over all creation, how the sound just soothes the core of my soul.  The ocean is a beautiful gift from a glorious giver, and I worship the giver, not the gift.  I am thankful in my bones for how big God is and what he has made.

My toes in the sand in my favorite ocean at my favorite beach
Tunnels Beach, Kauai 2010

The reality of your diagnosis has returned to me over and over through our days since then as we've adjusted to new medications, budget reformations, trying to remember all that needs to be done for you each day and continuing with life in general.  Sometimes the long term possibilities with your health chill me.  Sometimes I am in denial.  Sometimes I forget that we even heard that news on August 17.  I look into your beautiful blue eyes and am continually in awe that you are here;  I rejoice that you are my daughter.  Depending on the day, my perspective can wax and wane from the here and now to the long term and unknown.  At the core is my Savior.  He set this before us, he allowed this for us, and my cup overflows with blessings.  I am generally not a glass-half-full kind of girl.  I'd like to be, but I can be pessimistic and untrusting of others.  I am happy to pour out encouragement and love but question why others would want to love me in that way.  I have been drowning in love in the last weeks.  It is such a sweet place to be.  You, my little love, have brought such joy and HIM into my life in a way I've never experienced.   My joy is not because you have Cystic Fibrosis; it is despite your diagnosis that my joy has been made full!

The day after we heard your diagnosis a friend texted me and asked how I was doing. I was only trying to keep breathing.  I think I said that I was afraid that life would never be as sweet again.  I knew in that life changing moment the day before that my innocence had been taken.  And yet, in these weeks, I have experienced a sweetness I never have before.  If I did not know that your life rests sovereignly in His hands, Kate, would I have that perspective?  If I did not believe that my help comes from the Lord, would I appreciate and see how He has chosen to pour out his love over our family through so, so, so many people? It boggles one's mind at the goodness.  The love just keeps coming, Kate, and I can only keep seeing life as being completely full of HIM, because it is.  He is everywhere!  He is in every kind word spoken in our direction, in every hug, in every prayer, in each tear shed by others for us, in every tangible card and gift, toilets cleaned and floors swept, coffees delivered and groceries bought.  I see the Lord everywhere, Kate, because I choose to and because he is letting me wade in His glorious goodness.  If I didn't believe, would I see Him?  He'd still be there, but I would be missing so much.  This unchosen plan would still be before us, but there would be despair, depression and hopelessness.  Instead, all we have to do is keep walking with Him and He will continue teaching us and showing us who He is; who He's always been.  I AM.  We will keep following Him because it's the only sure thing,  and the view is too good from here.